Dearest Beloved Wife,
By now you've finished plugging our family finances into that quicken software that came shrink-wrapped with our desktop tower. I know you worked hard on that. I think it's fascinating that we spend that much on ice cream. That's a legitimate family expense.
I'd further make the case that you could classify my beer-related expenditures as "Healthcare" since I'd almost certainly lose my mind without a few cold 'uns now and then.
Really?
Our beer fund could've put a kid through college?
Well, our kids will spend that college money on beer anyway. Let's be honest about that.
And what about those "travel" expenses to New Orleans, Las Vegas and Tunica? Honey, I've got an answer for that too.
FIRST, it's not like our other "investments" really panned out either. I mean, all the company stock is worth the same amount now as it was when we bought it. It would be better off stashed beneath the mattress.
Granted, bedroll cash and bankroll cash usually intertwine. But I'm making a larger point.
I'M ADDICTED TO POKER
I'm not a trailblazer or anything and I know the "it's an illness I can't help it" defense is probably a tad overworn. Still, I've just been made aware of a new legal defense that will help make my point.
Check out this article from the Associated Press :
Woman hooked on video poker must repay $39,000
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
PORTLAND -- A former Multnomah County employee who claimed she was addicted to video poker must repay nearly $39,000.
The attorney for 37-year-old Diata Demanje Rhodes argued she should not be sent to prison because she was depressed over a breakup with her boyfriend, an abortion and the death of her dog before she began to steal money from the county to gamble with.
A judge agreed and sentenced Rhodes to five years on probation, 160 hours of community service and gambling treatment.
Rhodes resigned in September after county officials discovered money missing from a petty-cash account. She pleaded guilty in February to theft charges.
See? Some people STEAL to finance an addiction. Not because they're bad people but because they're SICK! They're also sad. Luckily, I'm still a pretty happy guy.
Many a night I've made rich plans to spend our hard-earned money on elabourate family vacations. You know, we haven't gone to Times Square together, but I've PLANNED to go there. That should really count for something.
It's when that demon virus afflicts my soul that I'm forced by evil persuasion to spend our money instead on a drunken blogger binge on the Vegas Strip. What can I do but survive the disease?
Remember that odd withdrawl from Dragon-somethingorother-financial?
That was me.
Yeah, I know, I blamed that on evil idenity theives who probably hacked our account when you left your wallet in the car.
I reloaded my account on Poker Stars.
I lost that money the first time when a suckout cancer attacked me in the balls.
I've survived that and we will survive this.
I'm just hoping for a more lenient judge than that activist bastard in Portland.
I will do better, I SWEAR. In fact, I bet you $100 I can beat this gambling thing.
With love,
G-Rob